Something happened to me today, something that would bring the burliest of men to weep like a little girl with a skinned knee and shit. I left the house without my smartphone, not very smart I suppose. I am disconnected from the world around me, the lines of communication have been cut. Even the dragon slayers that once protected the realms never left their castles with not a bard to regale the stories of their heroics and deepest most inner thoughts. Socrates never left his pile of sand free of a messenger donkey to share his philosophies and to display stone tablets carved with the likes of what he was having for dinner throughout ancient Greece. I hold an equal concern for myself and the Facebook community. How will I vent the frustrations of the day or share with you my inner most wisdom. I fear that there are many who will spend the day wondering if I have bought yet another new pair of shoes and what they look like. And how will anyone know if I have had to deal with idiots today? Just kidding, I deal with them every day. The choice lies before me. I can assume the fetal position beneath my desk for the next 8.5 hours, or carry on, moving forward in a test of survival.
I would love to live blog the day I went to work without my smartphone, but the password for my blog was removed from my browser and it’s stored…you guess it, on my iPhone. I could request a password reset, but am unable to access my emails for some reason unbeknownst to me; likely a network / firewall issue or web mail related. The best I can do is email myself 100 times today, then glue everything together before posting at the end of the day.
6:06am: Arrive at work on 4 hours of sleep, realize that my phone is not on my person.
6:08am: Apple Find My iPhone, finds my phone and I can rest assured that unless I dropped my phone on the way to my car, it should be safe and sound at home. I have sent a messenger owl to my wife to verify the phone is safe.
6:15am: Morning coffee is done… now what am I supposed to read. Ever since the invention of smartphones and tablets, the art of toilet stall jokes and who to call for a good time has been lost. Makes you wonder if the toilet industry is the one behind the smartphone revolution in the first place.
6:45am: Need to take money out of the bank, but the account with the money in it is not attached to my bank card, so I am left standing here like a slot jockey who has lost their last quarter. As I am sans iPhone I am unable to transfer money at this time. This would not have worked out in a ransom situation, but may have helped me buy some time if I was held at gun point. I would really only need enough time to bridge the gap…BLAM! Back fist to the face, crouching tiger hidden douche bag and the perp would be left lying on the ground in a crumpled up ball of his own bad decisions.
7:00am: Riding the recumbent bicycle at the gym, unable to listen to music or an audio book I have started (https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/228665.The_Eye_of_the_World). On the table behind the bikes, magazines. No doubt germ ridden, I pick up a Canadian outdoor adventure magazine knowing that I will shower soon enough and I can take my chances with whatever taint lies within its pages.
9:50am: I really should start writing passwords down, I have become dependent on Password1 to keep the keys to my kingdom. There is plenty of space for post-it notes along the bezel of my monitor. Better yet, if I had a second monitor…twice the space!
10:19am: My grocery list was on my phone… damn you! As I regain my composure, I remember the one item on said list and write it down on a post it note, which I then stick on my monitor.
10:58am: Dear Hipster friends, I am eating a kale and mixed greens salad, yellow-orange Tupperware vessel with Renee’s Homestyle Ranch dressing. Since I am not a hipster myself, I do not have my camera with me to take a picture for you. And obviously, no iPhone.
11:14am: I found my one item grocery list. This is why I Apple. I can log into iCloud and although I can’t get emails, I can get my Notes. I also have access to my contacts for those of you out there who lose phones and ask everyone to send their contact information. In Cloud we Trust.
11:26am: 1310 News has been added to the list. With excitement I ventured to the Consumer Reports website after a news story broke earlier this morning on the radio, which alerted me that Consumer Reports has come out with the best sunscreens to use. A number of media outlets are reporting this ginger friendly “news”, but are failing to mention you have to pay a monthly fee to view the actual report. That’s not news, that’s called advertising. In other news, the grocery store I go to has a sale on beef this week. I hope it rains and you step in mud. The rain is for me, the mud is for you, given that I enjoy rain and the lack of visible sun it implies (for the most part).
Today.com, gave me what I need. I would follow them on twitter…had I access to my phone; I’m refuse to access twitter from work, what with big brother and all.
12:32pm: Two different people today have told me that I’m the best. I’ve always suspected this to be true, but didn’t want to make any assumptions. Nobody has told me I’m the worst, so I have that going for me today as well. Well, I cant be certain they haven’t, but I haven’t heard anyone mutter this under their breath as I walked away.
1:32pm: Pondering my upcoming oil change scheduled for 2:30pm this afternoon. How did people do this before the invention of cell phones? If I want to kill time at Costco, how does the dealership reach me should they think I need to pay 10x the normal amount to change something I don’t actually need? What if my Johnson Rod needs replacing? I make it clear before I hand over the keys, that I just want the oil change, but that doesn’t mean they won’t keep the car on the hoist until they have reached me . They need to up sell to justify giving me all the free oil changes.
3:12pm: I have arrived home, I have survived the ordeal! I can now take to Twitter and Facebook to see what I have missed, to share what I have pent up inside me all day. Which, consequently I have just written about, so that leaves me at an impasse. I guess I will go watch cat videos then, since I have nothing left to do.