All Hallows’ Eve

That ghastly night of witches and ghouls is soon upon us, but do you know why we celebrate All Hallows Eve?

Originally known as All Hells Eve, we must look back to the dawn of time, or at least as far back as they have been keeping time. We must also have a knowledge of the history of both lunar and female reproductive cycles to understand its true meaning.

Late October once brought the Moon of Fertility which always synchronized with the commencement of the most fertile female cycle and of course the associated period. All women began their cycle on this day as a result of lunar waves brought about by the moons position in the sky. Picture all women PMS’ing at the same time. I pictured it and it reminded me of the movie Night of the Living Dead meets One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. It was for lack of a better term hell on earth, thus giving us the name All Hells Eve.

It took many moons before a semi-combative measure was created. The idea of costumes was brought about in the late 1300s by a particularly inventive man named Sir Walden Pennel, a Scottish nobleman whose wife would transition to a being so fierce she made the Werewolf look like a 4 week old dachshund. He conceived the idea that if he were to disguise himself as a witch, he would blend in with those suffering the effects of the Moon of Fertility and be spared the yelling, the crying and the throwing of objects not previously tied down. At the least he had hoped that his wife would not berate him like a little boy and scare him into hiding until the cold of winter had touched him. Successful as it was for many years, this solution did have a piece missing that we must look to the Swiss to complete.

It is a known fact that women love chocolate, and it can be counted on to calm the fieriest of screams. An unknown Swiss chocolatier stumbled accidentally upon the key to controlling the fem-demon he called his wife. One All Hells Eve, he made the mistake of being caught in costume, peeing standing up in front of the toilet which quickly gave away his cover. It helped very little that he was about to leave the seat up; like it’s very hard to put it back down in the first place… we have to put it up so I’m sure she could meet me halfway he remarked, lip trembling. Desperate to save his life, he reached into his pocket and found a piece of chocolate which he used as an offering as he cowered on the floor in fear. Eating the chocolate like a wild dog, his wife retracted and left the room satisfied. He put the toilet seat down, and ran for the wood shed for safety but it seems his nightmare had ended.

In time, due to additives, preservatives, birth control and other environmental affects the bond between Moon of Fertility and the reproductive cycles had diminished. Chocolate and witch disguises turned into candy and costumes of any and all designs. The true meaning had been lost forever, until today that is. All Hells Eve was later changed to All Hallows’ Eve by the right wing liberal agenda long before saying Merry Christmas became politically incorrect.

Yours in fright, (and in candy), and a preemptive Merry Christmas to you!



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